I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
