This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
