I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
