my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
