In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
