Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize