I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Randomize
