I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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