i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
We're too hungover to prance.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
