I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
