Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
