Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
