i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
