I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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