Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
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