After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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