Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
