Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
