Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
