If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
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