i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
