you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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