I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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