Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
