matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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