I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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