You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
