He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
