eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
My liver is preforming stress tests.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
