theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
