the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
