God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
