walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
My bed smells like the plague
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
