in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Randomize
