Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
