Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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