i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
