I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
