I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
