I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
