Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Randomize
