Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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