My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
