Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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