i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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