i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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