Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
