i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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