I like my sex mixed with concussions.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
