He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
