My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
