People in love make me want to vomit
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
