Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
They have beer where we have blood.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
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