I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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