In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
