I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
