Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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