remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
