Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
